Being a shitty parent
When shouting at your kids becomes a learning opportunity
Hey.
For a few years now, I’ve felt guilty about not doing winter sports with the kids. When I compare us with our friends still living up north, it seems that they practically live as One With Nature, while we are battling grey slush and yellow grass.
I grew up in Luleå, up north in Sweden, where winters are proper. There is easy access to the frozen river and decent-sized hills to ski on. I fondly remember the sounds, smells, sore feet, and freedom of roaming the mountain with my friends.
Last week, we finally did it. We went on a mini-vacation to a small mountain just a few hours from Stockholm. Skiing with small kids? Sounds fun!
Here, I thought going to the beach with children was difficult. Skiing with a 3-year-old and a 6-year-old? A logistical nightmare.
It took us 2,5 hours to eat breakfast and get to the car, even with us having done most of the packing the day before. I was fuming already.
After picking up the same Pokémon figures for the third time and having explained 9 times that we can’t bring the Legos in the car, having to forcibly hold a crying kid (who had apparently not agreed to stop playing with Legos) while brushing his teeth, and trying to explain to my daughter that it goes quicker if she lets her mother help with her ponytail… I had enough.
I raised my voice.
Oh shit. Now they are crying;
“Dad shouted at me!!”
I see the look from my partner. She’s frustrated. I roll my eyes, I know, I know, I shouldn’t have.
But it worked.
Children still crying, we finally get to the car. Maybe, just maybe, we’ll get there in time to get some of the value from the 2000 SEK ($185) per day we had spent on mountain passes and ski equipment.
Ahh… that’s where the stinky socks are.
I had unconsciously made up a schedule in my mind.
09:00 Leave the house (2 hours of driving) 11:00 Lunch in Gävle just in time for that 15-minute slot between happy kid and hungry monster kid 11:45 Get to the supermarket and buy groceries for the weekend 12:30 Back on the road (1 hour of driving) 13:30 Arrive at the ski resort and find parking 14:00 Winter gear on, skis and ski passes acquired (Ski for 1 hour) 15:00 Room check-in deadline
That is an excellent plan. What’s the problem?
I hadn’t communicated my plan to my team. They were operating under a completely different ruleset and with different expectations than I was. They were enjoying their first day of vacation while I was trying to optimise our trip and get some value from the money we had spent (yes, financial stress is a part of this).
Realising this took about 2 minutes of driving. We had barely left our neighbourhood.
My daughter had refused my help with her seatbelt. She was clearly disappointed in me.
My son was still sobbing:
“Mom is the best”.
I turned the music down and said:
Me: “Family, listen.”
Me: “I am sorry for raising my voice. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Me: “It’s my fault. I was trying to get going quickly so we didn’t miss our time skiing today. I got stressed, but I should not have yelled at you.”
Instantly, the mood changed.
Daughter (smiling in my rear-view mirror): “It’s okay, Dad!”
Son: “Dad is the best dad.”
A warm hand squeezing mine, I look over to see my partner’s knowing smile.
What happened?
I made a mistake, and then I took ownership of it. Our team was stronger because of it. Not just back to zero, the mood was actually better than before my “outburst”.
This is what mistakes are about. Learning, growing, and bonding together as a team.
What’s the number one side effect of taking accountability?
Trust.
Your team knows that you are reliable and take your responsibilities seriously.
And as a parent, showing yourself to be fallible and still learning, sets the foundation for your children’s ability to navigate life, find what they are good at, and be good partners and friends. I believe it’s one of the biggest gifts we could ever give them.
–Mattis
(By the way. I know I said this would be a weekly newsletter. It might still be one day, but I’m not going to write if I don’t feel like I have something valuable to say.)
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